I'm beginning to hate trainings...
Each and every training made me think that i'm so so suck.
There's like no cure for me, There's no way i can improve...
Every training made me feel that i don't deserve to be in the main team...
I can't play... I don't want to play...
I know i know, i can't control myself. I'm just so fucked up and pissed off with myself,
I couldn't care about what others think of me anymore, or how black-faced i am.
I know... Somehow or another they're all talking behind me about what had happened or whatsoever...
How am i ever gonna explain to them...
Will they empathize me???
I feel so miserable...
I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHERE'S ME ?? I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MYSELF ANYMORE.
I WAS ONCE SO CONFIDENT IN MYSELF.
WHAT ABOUT NOW?
WHAT HAPPENED??
COMPETITION'S COMING SO SO SOON.
Yet i'm at this fucked up state.
How can i still continue to fight on?
I'll only end up losing and getting thrashed...
Ppl will mock at me, they will be so damn disappointed in me...
I'm really very scared...
I wish i will injure myself, so i will be able to skip the competitions.
This is the worst act ever. The most cowardy act.
Hai, but rest assure i won't...

Friends are turning against me...
I felt as if i'm being hate or something..
It's like, i'm not being treasured as a friend...
Just like a dog.
They could scold me for small things...
They thought my joke was for real and scold me once again...
They were unusually cold...
They were ignoring my words during conversations....
Some don't even know my character after so many years, and added salt onto my wound...
These were all my good friends, my bestest friends...
They were so good , i love to be with them...
But why is it different now?
I know, I know that my attitude suck ttm these few days...
I didn't want that to happen, really...
But i couldn't control it... These few days were a torture to me...
I need my friends' help...
But it seemed like i'm all alone now...
All Alone...

I don't know how long more this will last...
I want my self confidence back...
Where are you? Tell me?
Torturous.
After each and every game, no matter win or lose, i will still feel like crying.
Playing a doubles match, and it seemed like me, the only one on the court...
Struggling...
Making so many mistakes...
After everything, i'll just hold back my tears and put a smile on my face...